The App-rentice: Donald Trump on iOS

Like a less stable version of The Lego Movie’s President Business crossed with a lemonade burp, it appears that Donald J. Trump is everyone’s favourite GOP candidate. Remember: everyone includes white supremacists, gun nuts, and the aggressively stupid.

Only last week he told his Twitter followers to boycott Apple. Using, yes, his iPhone. Really. Anyway, assuming he’s not bothered too much about practising what he bellows digitally, perhaps he might like to see what the App Store has on offer for apps based around him.

10. Smack a Trump (Codeuim Interactive)

Touch screen Whack-a-Mole, only this version features an unpleasant, short-sighted rodent adept at digging himself into massive holes (see what I did there?). Jab at the screen to squish randomly appearing mini-Trumps. Fun for precisely zero seconds. Hell, even my young children grew bored of it swiftly, and they’re basically cretins.

9. Donald Trump Soundboard (Thomas Quinn)

Over twenty five soundbites of purest aural idiocy! Because…erm. Just because. Contains racism and misogyny, but sadly, not his Joey Deacon-style “spastic” impression. Seriously, no amount of appalling behaviour seems to be able to ground the ascension of this one-man calamity carnival. What does he need to do – shit down a baby’s mouth live on television before booting it down a hill in a barrel full of pubes?

Perhaps his Mexican-deterrent wall will turn out to be just as impressively unshakeable as his personality? Anyway, if you press all the buttons at once you herald an almighty choir of purest cunt.

8. Trump Yourself (Nito, Inc)

Using 1992’s latest Hollywood face mapping technology, have a cartoon billionaire avatar following your every facial gesture, from opening your mouth all the way to closing your mouth. You can even turn your head! A bit, before the mapping loses you and you’re left staring at a dot eyed angry little blond man with his mouth open and a feeling that your life should be going anywhere but here.

7. Trump! (Falcon Associates, Inc)

Confusingly structured soundboard that yields an additional competitive element, pitting the player against Hilary. Play consists of jabbing arbitrarily at the screen, prompting real-life witless snippets of atrocious self-aggrandising. All the agony and embarrassment of having an STD without the associated fun of having contracted it.

6. Donald Trump’s Epic Trip (Robert Palatnick)

Guide Donny around a multicoloured maze whilst avoiding established Trump enemies such as “evil” Hilary Clinton, menstruating news whore Megyn Kelly*, and Rosie “fat pig” O’Donnell. Accompanied, inexplicably, by a horrendously warped Hi-NRG version of 4 Non-Blondes’ mysteriously popular song, “What’s Up?” The gayest thing ever since your Dad.

5. Dump on Trump (Pride Star Apps INC)

Slide a chirpy Donald across a street to avoid a constant rainfall of pigeon shit, racking up points like you fancy them or something. Given both the misleading title and my strong antipathy for the billionaire tyrant, it took me a full minute before I realised the object wasn’t to coat his smug fizzog in guano. Mystifying.

4. Are You Better Than – Trump Edition (Peter Vu)

 

Complicated stock investment satire that invites the player to compete with Trump’s very real business deals throughout his career. Given that I’m a financial dunce with all the entrepreneurial skills of a baked potato, it’s safe to say that I don’t get this.

3. Trump Dump (daydream.)

Tiresome Flappy Bird clone with added incentive to shit on Trump, until he resembles a giant Jabba the Hutt-style bum nugget. As the Flappy Bird concept is less appealing than a bowl of sprouts marinating in semen, I’m out.

2. Trivia for Donald Trump – Super Fan (Alin Stanescu)

Multi-choice questions covering all aspects of Donald J’s life so far. Well, mostly to do with The Apprentice, a show in which our hero fires people from a job that doesn’t yet exist. A game every bit as fun and rewarding as Trump is patient and humble.

1. Flappy Hair (Luz Gonzalez)

Another Flappy Bird-a-like that utilises the building magnate’s barnet to propel himself across the screen avoiding objects; a conceit as likely as it is enjoyable. The problem intrinsic to all of the FB games is that they requires such nimble and crucial dexterity on the player’s part that it detracts entirely from any potential enjoyment (think Edward Scissorhands gingerly navigating his way round a wank and you’re half-way there).

That’s that. For now. I’ve at least another ten of these fuckers loaded on my phone, so don’t think that’s the end of this…

*just to be clear – he didn’t say that. He just implied it, heavily.