The Fan Can Archives: The Fandom Menace

I used to write occasionally for Steve O'Brien's jolly cult site TheFanCan. I'd provide slightly irreverent and often inelegant pieces on pop culture nonsense as fast as my little underdeveloped talent would let me. Me in the past - bless him, eh?

The Doctor Who Drinking Game: A bit like SFX's Couch Potato, but with more booze and fewer people

Anyway, whilst on the hunt for new ideas, I thought I'd hit upon a great and definitely not incredibly obnoxious format to entertain the readers. I was going to play the part of a slightly over-zealous fan and see how poor put-upon real people reacted. Ha ha ha Miles! Wow, you really should be on Channel 4's Balls of Steel.

Not even stopping to ask Steve if this was something he would champion on his site (fairly sure he wouldn't be keen), I made my first call to a local registry office, recording the conversation (without their knowledge, which I'm pretty certain is illegal). Look, I'm not proud, OK?

Anyway, I'd forgotten all about this until I went rooting around my docs and found this transcription in a long abandoned folder. 

Anyway, that's more then enough set-up for something that'll take far less time time to read than that intro. Enjoy.

The Fan Can: I’m looking at having a Doctor Who themed wedding. Like a TARDIS in the corner, that sort of thing. Is that ok?

Wedding Office: If it’s the registry office, it wouldn’t fit. But we’re due to move to a Court, where there’d be room. That’d be fine.

TFC: Would the person conducting it be averse to dressing up at all? Say, as a Dalek? Or maybe Davros?

WO: Erm, I could find out. Let me check.

LONG PAUSE

WO: I’ve just spoken with a couple of registrars here at the moment – they’ve both said no, they wouldn’t.

TFC: Oh.

WO: Well, we do have quite a few so it might be something we could go into more detail with one who has a sense of humour and come to a compromise. I’m not sure any of them would dress as a Dalek though, but we certainly wouldn’t mind the couple or their guests doing so.

TFC: Can we write our own vows? Would the registrars be up for conducting the ceremony in a different voice, as if they were a villain? Would that be ok?

WO: I’ll, erm, just find out.

VERY LONG PAUSE

WO: Spoken to the registrars again and yes, there is flexibility on the words that can be used, but no, they won’t be putting on voices as it is a serious ceremony and should be treated as such.

TFC: Sure. But could the bride and groom do it? Like put on voices, as if it really was an episode of Doctor Who? We wouldn’t get thrown out or asked to stop?

WO: It’s up to you if you want to come dressed in character and say your own lines, but so long as you sign the registry and take it seriously, then, fine.

TFC: Thanks!

The App-rentice: Donald Trump on iOS

Like a less stable version of The Lego Movie’s President Business crossed with a lemonade burp, it appears that Donald J. Trump is everyone’s favourite GOP candidate. Remember: everyone includes white supremacists, gun nuts, and the aggressively stupid.

Only last week he told his Twitter followers to boycott Apple. Using, yes, his iPhone. Really. Anyway, assuming he’s not bothered too much about practising what he bellows digitally, perhaps he might like to see what the App Store has on offer for apps based around him.

10. Smack a Trump (Codeuim Interactive)

Touch screen Whack-a-Mole, only this version features an unpleasant, short-sighted rodent adept at digging himself into massive holes (see what I did there?). Jab at the screen to squish randomly appearing mini-Trumps. Fun for precisely zero seconds. Hell, even my young children grew bored of it swiftly, and they’re basically cretins.

9. Donald Trump Soundboard (Thomas Quinn)

Over twenty five soundbites of purest aural idiocy! Because…erm. Just because. Contains racism and misogyny, but sadly, not his Joey Deacon-style “spastic” impression. Seriously, no amount of appalling behaviour seems to be able to ground the ascension of this one-man calamity carnival. What does he need to do – shit down a baby’s mouth live on television before booting it down a hill in a barrel full of pubes?

Perhaps his Mexican-deterrent wall will turn out to be just as impressively unshakeable as his personality? Anyway, if you press all the buttons at once you herald an almighty choir of purest cunt.

8. Trump Yourself (Nito, Inc)

Using 1992’s latest Hollywood face mapping technology, have a cartoon billionaire avatar following your every facial gesture, from opening your mouth all the way to closing your mouth. You can even turn your head! A bit, before the mapping loses you and you’re left staring at a dot eyed angry little blond man with his mouth open and a feeling that your life should be going anywhere but here.

7. Trump! (Falcon Associates, Inc)

Confusingly structured soundboard that yields an additional competitive element, pitting the player against Hilary. Play consists of jabbing arbitrarily at the screen, prompting real-life witless snippets of atrocious self-aggrandising. All the agony and embarrassment of having an STD without the associated fun of having contracted it.

6. Donald Trump’s Epic Trip (Robert Palatnick)

Guide Donny around a multicoloured maze whilst avoiding established Trump enemies such as “evil” Hilary Clinton, menstruating news whore Megyn Kelly*, and Rosie “fat pig” O’Donnell. Accompanied, inexplicably, by a horrendously warped Hi-NRG version of 4 Non-Blondes’ mysteriously popular song, “What’s Up?” The gayest thing ever since your Dad.

5. Dump on Trump (Pride Star Apps INC)

Slide a chirpy Donald across a street to avoid a constant rainfall of pigeon shit, racking up points like you fancy them or something. Given both the misleading title and my strong antipathy for the billionaire tyrant, it took me a full minute before I realised the object wasn’t to coat his smug fizzog in guano. Mystifying.

4. Are You Better Than – Trump Edition (Peter Vu)

 

Complicated stock investment satire that invites the player to compete with Trump’s very real business deals throughout his career. Given that I’m a financial dunce with all the entrepreneurial skills of a baked potato, it’s safe to say that I don’t get this.

3. Trump Dump (daydream.)

Tiresome Flappy Bird clone with added incentive to shit on Trump, until he resembles a giant Jabba the Hutt-style bum nugget. As the Flappy Bird concept is less appealing than a bowl of sprouts marinating in semen, I’m out.

2. Trivia for Donald Trump – Super Fan (Alin Stanescu)

Multi-choice questions covering all aspects of Donald J’s life so far. Well, mostly to do with The Apprentice, a show in which our hero fires people from a job that doesn’t yet exist. A game every bit as fun and rewarding as Trump is patient and humble.

1. Flappy Hair (Luz Gonzalez)

Another Flappy Bird-a-like that utilises the building magnate’s barnet to propel himself across the screen avoiding objects; a conceit as likely as it is enjoyable. The problem intrinsic to all of the FB games is that they requires such nimble and crucial dexterity on the player’s part that it detracts entirely from any potential enjoyment (think Edward Scissorhands gingerly navigating his way round a wank and you’re half-way there).

That’s that. For now. I’ve at least another ten of these fuckers loaded on my phone, so don’t think that’s the end of this…

*just to be clear – he didn’t say that. He just implied it, heavily.