Milk: cow’s gift to humanity. As well as their delicious flesh, of course. Plus their leather, come to think of it. Not to mention those giant horns Texan oil barons attach to the hoods of their cars. Blimey, those grazing, cud-chewing chumps have served us humans pretty well over the centuries. I could rip a cow to pieces just thinking about it.
So, sit back, pour yourself a tall glass of semi-skimmed (or gold top if you’ve basically let yourself go), and read on, as I take you through this not-at-all arbitrary rundown of milk in film.
23. Psycho (1960)
Congenial host Norman Bates, always offering his motel
guests a giant pitcher of milk and a plate of sandwiches. If only he hadn’t
followed it up with slicing them to ribbons in the shower whilst wearing the
dress of his dead mother he’d probably be remembered a little more fondly.
22. Ghost World (2001)
Spiteful, self-absorbed bitches mock Steve Buscemi’s
downtrodden Seymour
for buying a “giant glass of milk”, whereas it’s actually a vanilla milkshake.
Ha! In your face spiteful bitches!
21. Grease (1978)
The cast swallow lots of milkshakes. We swallow the fact that
they’re thirty-somethings playing at being teenagers.
Spilt milk! Don’t cry about it though. Cry about all the much
sadder stuff that comes later.
19. Inglourious Basterds (2009)
Here’s Colonel Hans Landa. As well as hunting Jewish people,
he likes to smoke a pipe and drink a glass of milk. My Uncle Quentin is also a
milk-drinking pipe-smoker, but is categorically not a Nazi. He does, however,
hold some pretty strong views on women in the workplace. Just kidding Quentin!
I hope.
18. Honey, I Shrunk the Kids (1989)
The person-to-milk ratio of this film is off the bloody
scale really, considering this shrunken bastard nearly drowns in the stuff. He’s
then nearly eaten by his Dad, Rick Moranis. Terrible really. I mean, imagine Rick
Moranis as your Father.
17. The 400 Blows (1959)
The French, eh? Always doing something symptomatic of the stereotypical
values assigned to their country by racists, eh? Anyway, this child has stolen
a bottle of milk, the petit merde.
16. Trainspotting (1996)
Even smackheads occasionally take time out from injecting
“shit” into their veins to enjoy a sugary strawberry-milk concoction. They then
return to heroin. They’re addicts, see?
15. There Will Be Blood (2007)
Daniel Day-Lewis’ booze-soaked Plainview bellows proprietary claims
concerning a non-existent milkshake at the quivering Eli. Just think: if he
truly did love milkshakes more than alcohol, he probably wouldn’t be acting this
crazy in the first place.
13. Back to the Future (1985)
George McFly: his milkshake brings all the courage to the bar.
George McFly: his milkshake brings all the courage to the bar.
12. The Big Lebowski (1998)
The Dude might hate the fuckin' Eagles man, but he sure loves milk-derived alcohol beverages, as in his ubiquitous White Russian. He also loves bowling, cannabis, and Donny.
11. Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004)
News anchor Ron Burgundy knocks back a carton of full fat, only to declare it, “a bad choice!” No it wasn’t Ron; it was bloody lovely and you know it.
10. Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)
Quite possibly the worst thing that can happen to you whilst you guzzle milk. No respect, those bloody T-1000s.
9. Leon : The Professional (1994)
Our third film in a row with a colon in the title (milk must gravitate naturally towards the colon). This is a film all about a paid assassin who drinks only milk. Some consider this a slur on milk’s good name. I say if it’s implying that milk sharpens the senses, improves your aim, and deadens the soul to cold-blooded murder, then that’s fine by me.
8. A Clockwork Orange (1971)
Is Kubrick’s futuristic masterpiece another cinematic knock
at the bovine brew, given its use as “rape fuel” for anti-hero Alex and his
band of vicious droogs? No, because the milk they drink is packed to the centilitre
with mind-curdling drugs. Normal milk would never arouse sexually deviant
urges, probably.
7. Barnyard (2006)
I’ve not seen this, but there is a cow in it. Chances are
that milk is also in it then, even if only tangentially.
6. The Calcium Kid (2004)
A much better role model than poxy old Leon here, with
puberty’s very own poster boy Orlando Bloom pretending to be a boxer. A boxer
whose strength is derived from necking vats of creamy white. This film has a 0%
rating on Rotten Tomatoes. But what would they know, eh?
5. John Wayne
“Get off your horse and drink your milk” he said once,
apparently, though no one where seems to know from where it originates. Even the
internet isn’t much help and I hate Westerns so am not about to check so let’s
just say that he definitely said it and move on.
4. Breastmilk: The Movie (2013)
I don’t know the first thing about this, because I am not
interested in tit-soup. I sometimes hear the phrase, “breast is best.” Frankly,
that’s bollocks: I’m an arse man myself.
3. Kingpin (1996)
Woody Harrelson's Roy Munson was startled to discover that
his delicious milky treat wasn't squeezed from a cow’s udder at all: it
was spunk wanked from a bull’s cock.
2. The Living Daylights (1987)
Timothy Dalton’s debut and
penultimate Bond movie features a murderous milkman by the name of Necros, a
geezer what lobs exploding milk bottles, and strangles victims with his hi-tech
Walkman headphones. Real milkmen don’t do this, of course. They merely whistle,
deliver top quality dairy products, and on occasion, shag your missus.
1. Milk (2008)
A film starring the only twice Academy Award winner whose
head is the shape of an inverted Toblerone chunk. Disappointingly, Milk isn’t a
rattling narrative about the nutritious delights of liquid lactose at all: it’s
about a man who was gay for a bit. Oh, pull the udder* one Hollywood ! Let’s hope that one day, Tinsel Town
*other
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