Saturday Night at the Whovies: Time Lords Vs. Tinsel Town

As the very best popular culture has to offer, it’s no surprise that Doctor Who often bears eerie or even intentional similarity to its silver-screened sibling…

The Curse of Frankenstein (1957) Vs. The Brain of Morbius (1976)

Hammer

Horror

FILM

Over-zealous scientist crackpot stitches together a pathetic mockery of humanity using illegally-obtained body parts and the accidentally damaged brain of a genius. Hilarity ensues. No, hang on, terrible events ensue.

TV

Dumbo assistant stitches together a pathetic mockery of life using dubiously-obtained body parts, the accidentally damaged brain of a criminal genius, and a bloody great goldfish bowl. Bad shit goes down.

VERDICT

Yes, we’ve gone for Hammer’s inaugural horror effort rather than James Whale’s peerless 1931 classic; the lush Eastmancolor and liberal splashes of Crayola gore compare more favourably with Who’s lurid claret-spilling than it does Universal’s expressionistic monochrome. So - The Doctor and Sarah-Jane at the height of their friendship, romping through blood-soaked carnage? Or, a mayhem-imbued, delicious melodrama with a lanky, rampaging pasty-faced fiend? Peter Cushing or Philip Madoc? Tom B or Christopher Lee? We’re going to wuss out and call this one a draw.

Sunshine (2007) Vs. 42 (2007)

"Brr, I'm freezing"

"He's behind you!" etc

FILM

Spaceship crew on a mission to give the sun a kick up the arse. Once in close proximity to the flaming orb, however, they get a bit bonkers and burny.

TV

Spaceship crew on a mission to mine the crap out of a sun. Once in close proximity to the flaming orb, however, they get a bit bonkers and burny.

VERDICT

42’s breakneck speed and thumping tone doesn’t compare easily to Sunshine’s slow-burner, the latter opting for a more incremental build in tension than Who’s wham-bam-you’re-fried-spam approach to condensed story-telling. As a snack-sized thrill ride, 42 is never unwelcome. Ultimately though, whilst it’s got great direction, it’s inoffensive, generic Doctor Who. Sunshine, on the other hand, is captivating, character-driven cinema, with Danny Boyle direction and Cillian Murphy. That’s a big win for film.

Sliding Doors (1998) Vs. Turn Left (2008)

"Does your head come in a box?"
"Pardon?"

"Rose, I think I've got a shit special effect on my back"

FILM

Gwyneth Paltrow catches a train, gets home to find a floozy on the wrong end of her boyfriend’s dick, falls in love with John Hannah and dies. In the alternative timeline, that more or less still happens, but without the death and a different haircut. The moral of the story seems to be: don’t be too hasty to get your train - you’ll end up at the same destination regardless. Sort of.

TV

The concurrent parallel timeline story in which Donna Noble turns right, doesn’t meet the Doctor (who promptly dies), plunges the earth into chaos, and then dies herself anyway, forcing her original self to turn left and correct the timeline. The moral of the story seems to be: it doesn’t matter which way you turn - you’ll end up at the same destination regardless. Sort of.

VERDICT

Do you want Catherine Tate and Billie Piper emoting heady exchanges over the fate of the universe in an episode with allusions to Nazi-occupied Germany? Or would you rather soapy-faced Paltrow and Hannah cooing smug and nauseating Monty Python references to one another? Not to mention the fact that it’s directed by Peter “Joey ‘Greetings’ Boswell” Hewitt. No contest then, Who smashes its sliding doors right bloody in.

The Dalek Invasion of Earth (1964) Vs. Daleks – Invasion Earth: 2150 A.D. (1966)

"Fuck you monochrome!"

"Well Susan, they might have colour but at least you've got pubes, eh?"

TV

Hartnell and his homies rock up to post-apocalyptic earth (well, the Home Counties) to find it strewn with Skaro’s schemiest. The crew open up a polite but firm can of Whup-Ass on the deadly dustbins, before dumping Susan for a quick tête-à-tedium with local dullard David.

FILM

Peter Cushing’s human “Dr. Who” TARDIS-rockets his niece and granddaughter to London’s grim future as a Dalek-controlled wasteland. Thwarting their nefarious plans by organising a rebellion against the alien oppressors, he also takes some time out to casually stroll past some conveniently-placed Sugar Puffs posters. Bernard Cribbins tags along for loveable, though often tiresome, hi-jinx.

VERDICT

Of course, the Cushing movies are unique in being literal film adaptations of existing television adventures. With a glorious kaleidoscope of bauble-tinted Daleks, all the rattling action crammed into a slender running time a third the length of the original, and Bernard brilliant Cribbins, the big screen version is an improvement on its televisual predecessor in just about every single aspect.

Titanic (1997) Vs. Voyage of the Damned (2007)

"I've like, totally seen your tits"

Gaudy shit 

FILM

Aesthetically-pleasing couple pursue class-divided relationship on voyage aboard doomed ship Titanic. As the liner goes down, tragedy befalls both passengers and pair whilst the audience cry enough water to sink an entire fleet of the non-floating fuckers.

TV

Aesthetically-pleasing alien couple pursue species-divided friendship on voyage aboard doomed starship Titanic. As the liner goes down, tragedy befalls both passengers and pair whilst the audience immediately turns to Gallifrey Base to post hyperbole-imbued bitter rants, or intolerable squees of inanity.

VERDICT

Is Titanic a needlessly saccharine yawn of over-wrought sentimentality, or a master craftsman weaving an emotionally-manipulative love story from human tragedy? The truth lies somewhere in the middle. Voyage of the Damned, meanwhile, is a patchwork quilt of disaster movies, broad ‘n’ bonkers science-fantasy concepts, and colourful RTD character moments. Neither product shows their respective artists at their best, but given its bearable length, exuberance, and merciful lack of Celine Dion, we’ll take a slice of below-par, shouty Who over “Oiceberg! Roight ahead!” any day.

The Mummy (1959) Vs. Pyramids of Mars (1975)

"No, seriously, that really hurts. Stop it"

"FUCKING COME ON THEN YOU CAAANTS!"

FILM

English archaeologists ill-advisedly excavate tomb of mummified Egyptian god Karnak. Worshipper of said bandaged badass follows him to England to raise his crusty cadaver in order to wreak terrible revenge.

TV

English archaeologist ill-advisedly excavates ancient Egyptian artefacts. Namin, Egyptian worshipper of jackal-faced Orisan, Sutekh, uses robot Mummies to enable his master escape from permanent incarceration. Well, actually, the reanimated corpse of the English archaeologist does a lot of that too. Plus, the Doctor’s in it – did we mention that? Oh, you should just watch it – it really is very good.

VERDICT

Given that Pyramids of Mars has been scientifically tested by Professor Stephen Hawkings (probably) as being improbably brilliant, and all Mummy movies are essentially a bit samey and dull, forgive us if we side with the fella with the curly hair and blue box on this occasion. Plus, Mr Bronson’s in it. So there. Class dismissed.