Like a less
stable version of The Lego Movie’s President Business crossed with a lemonade
burp, it appears that Donald J. Trump is everyone’s favourite GOP candidate.
Remember: everyone includes white supremacists, gun nuts, and the aggressively
stupid.
Only last
week he told his Twitter followers to boycott Apple. Using, yes, his iPhone. Really.
Anyway, assuming he’s not bothered too much about practising what he bellows
digitally, perhaps he might like to see what the App Store has on offer for apps
based around him.
10. Smack a Trump (Codeuim
Interactive)
Touch
screen Whack-a-Mole, only this version features an unpleasant, short-sighted
rodent adept at digging himself into massive holes (see what I did there?). Jab
at the screen to squish randomly appearing mini-Trumps. Fun for precisely zero
seconds. Hell, even my young children grew bored of it swiftly, and they’re
basically cretins.
9. Donald Trump Soundboard (Thomas
Quinn)
Over twenty
five soundbites of purest aural idiocy! Because…erm. Just because. Contains racism
and misogyny, but sadly, not his Joey Deacon-style “spastic” impression. Seriously,
no amount of appalling behaviour seems to be able to ground the ascension of
this one-man calamity carnival. What does he need to do – shit down a baby’s
mouth live on television before booting it down a hill in a barrel full of
pubes?
Perhaps his
Mexican-deterrent wall will turn out to be just as impressively unshakeable as
his personality? Anyway, if you press all the buttons at once you herald an
almighty choir of purest cunt.
8. Trump Yourself (Nito, Inc)
Using 1992’s
latest Hollywood face mapping technology, have
a cartoon billionaire avatar following your every
facial gesture, from opening your mouth all the way to closing your mouth.
You can even turn your head! A bit, before the mapping loses you and you’re left
staring at a dot eyed angry little blond man with his mouth open and a feeling
that your life should be going anywhere but here.
7. Trump! (Falcon Associates, Inc)
Confusingly
structured soundboard that yields an additional competitive element, pitting
the player against Hilary. Play consists of jabbing arbitrarily at the screen,
prompting real-life witless snippets of atrocious self-aggrandising. All the
agony and embarrassment of having an STD without the associated fun of having
contracted it.
6. Donald Trump’s Epic Trip (Robert
Palatnick)
Guide Donny
around a multicoloured maze whilst avoiding established Trump enemies such as “evil”
Hilary Clinton, menstruating news whore Megyn Kelly*, and Rosie “fat pig”
O’Donnell. Accompanied, inexplicably, by a horrendously warped Hi-NRG version
of 4 Non-Blondes’ mysteriously popular song, “What’s Up?” The gayest thing ever
since your Dad.
5. Dump on Trump (Pride Star Apps
INC)
Slide a
chirpy Donald across a street to avoid
a constant rainfall of pigeon shit, racking up points like you fancy them or
something. Given both the misleading title and my strong antipathy for the billionaire
tyrant, it took me a full minute before I realised the object wasn’t to coat his smug fizzog in guano.
Mystifying.
4. Are You Better Than – Trump
Edition (Peter Vu)
 |
Complicated stock investment satire that invites the player to compete with Trump’s very real business deals throughout his career. Given that I’m a financial dunce with all the entrepreneurial skills of a baked potato, it’s safe to say that I don’t get this. |
3. Trump Dump (daydream.)
Tiresome
Flappy Bird clone with added incentive to shit on Trump, until he resembles a
giant Jabba the Hutt-style bum nugget. As the Flappy Bird concept is
less appealing than a bowl of sprouts marinating in semen, I’m out.
2. Trivia for Donald Trump – Super
Fan (Alin Stanescu)
Multi-choice
questions covering all aspects of Donald J’s life so far. Well, mostly to do
with The Apprentice, a show in which our hero fires people from a job that doesn’t
yet exist. A game every bit as fun and rewarding as Trump is patient and humble.
1. Flappy Hair (Luz Gonzalez)
Another
Flappy Bird-a-like that utilises the building magnate’s barnet to propel
himself across the screen avoiding objects; a conceit as likely as it is
enjoyable. The problem intrinsic to all of the FB games is that they requires such nimble and crucial dexterity on the player’s part that it detracts entirely from any potential enjoyment (think Edward Scissorhands gingerly navigating his way
round a wank and you’re half-way there).
That’s
that. For now. I’ve at least another ten of these fuckers loaded on my phone,
so don’t think that’s the end of this…
*just to be
clear – he didn’t say that. He just implied it, heavily.
