Netquix: Turtle Power: The Definitive History of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)

Netflix content reviewed in 150 words. Or thereabouts.

Turtle Power: The Definitive History of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)

Dir: Randall Lobb

Running Time: 98 minutes

An exhaustive talking heads chronology featuring all the key players behind the amphibious phenomenon, Turtle Power charts its various incarnations throughout the past thirty years. However, despite the sewer-based origins of the perennially popular fightin’ foursome, Randall Lobb’s green-skinned history skim is a distinctly dry affair.

True, the light subject matter arguably warrants little more than an anecdotal sprinkling covering the array of comics, cartoons, merch’ and – erm – rock concerts, but there remains a stark void at the heart of the material. Crucially, it’s made with a celebratory, rather than an exploratory attitude. As such, events such as co-creators Eastman & Laird’s professional break-up and the sale of the franchise rights are given disappointingly scant screen time.

That said, if you’re just aching for a nostalgic ninja fix you’ll be more than sated by the extensive archive material, and it’s joyous to see the cartoon cast reunited one last time with since-passed James Avery.

In conclusion, the Turtles could do with a touch more power.

6/10

Dude, Where’s My Parents? Orphans on Film

Whilst my parents are dead (yeah, boo hoo you, I hear you sneer), I’m probably too old to be considered an orphan. Unlucky maybe, but not an orphan. The parent-less patrons of the silver screen however, litter cinema’s history like a hoard of hungry zombies in search of a snack. Or, more accurately, a bunch of isolated kids looking for a bit of mothering.

Let’s round some of them up and give them a home, shall we?

James Bond

Who? Lady-loving MI6 agent. Good shot. Bad liver.

Parents: Andrew & Monique, a Scot and a Swiss respectively. They enjoyed climbing. In fact, they enjoyed it so much they climbed themselves to death.

Then what? Little Jimmy grew up a dead-eyed murderer for Queen and country whilst vag’-banging a series of disposable honeys, employing a steely, humanity-detached brutality to absolutely everything. Oh James!

Bruce Wayne

Who? Billionaire. Philanthropist. Bat-fancier.

Parents: Thomas & Martha Wayne. He was a surgeon. She was married to a surgeon. Neither were bullet-proof.

Then what? Grieving boy Bruce resolves to a life of crime-fighting to prevent anyone suffering the same devastating loss as his. But, well, dressed as a bat.

Harry Potter

Who? Bespectacled boy wizard. AKA The Boy Who Lived.

Parents: James & Lillian Potter. He was a wizard, she was a witch. Lord Voldemort took ‘em out with a magic stick.

Then what? Baby Harry was left to the meagre mercy of his remaining family, the dreaded Dursleys. They did what any caring Aunt and Uncle would do in the same situation: slung him in the cupboard under the stairs until he was old enough to board at wizard school. Which begs the question – where did they keep their hoover?

Kal-El

Who? Kryptonian ex-pat and pants-flashing superhero.

Parents: Jor-El & Lara. They’re rubbish at getting the hell out of Dodge.

Then what? Raised by kindly farming folk and given earth name Clarke Kent, Kal-El moved to the city, got a proper job, and used his x-ray vision to check out colleagues’ underwear.

Annie

Who? Carrot-topped curly-noggined irritant.

Parents: David & Margaret Bennett. Died in a fire, innit.

Then what? Shipped off to New York Hudson Street Orphanage to sing her cochlea-shattering lungs out and get kidnapped a bit.

Peter Parker

Who? Geeky web-slinger.

Parents: Richard and Mary Parker. Liked science and secrets. Last seen on a plane obeying gravity with furious intent.

Then what? Raised by his Aunt May and Uncle Ben (no, not that one), teenage Parker is bitten by a radioactive spider. It gives him spidey sense, wall-crawling abilities, and a smart-ass mouth.

Margo, Edith, and Agnes

Who? A trio of cookie-selling orphan girls.

Parents: Unknown.

Then what? Adopted by a sociopathic super villain who commands an army of yellow creatures, owns a a shrinking ray, and has mother issues. What could possibly go wrong?

Oliver Twist

Who? Whey-faced workhouse urchin.

Parents: Agnes Fleming & unknown (well, not in the book, but we don’t give a bowl of gruel for that here).

Then what? Singing, asking for more, singing, getting trapped in a coffin, more singing, pick-pocketing, singing, singing, and finally, being re-integrated into middle class society. Plus, some singing.

Mowgli

Who? Pudding bowl-haired man cub.

Parents: Unknown. Probably human. May not even be dead.

Then what? Raised by wolves, protected by a black panther, and sang at by an orangutan. Rejoins humankind at first opportunity, perhaps understandably.

James Henry Trotter

Who? Soft fruit cruiser.

Parents: Mr & Mrs Trotter. Trampled to death by a rhinoceros. Pretty typical really.

Then what? Raised and abused in equal measures by the heartless Aunt Spiker and Aunt Sponge, James ditches a life of servile misery by hitching a ride on an overgrown peach, teaming up with a gang of friendly anthropomorphic bugs, and inexplicably, turning himself into a cartoon.

Damien Thorn

Who? CEO of Thorn Industries and U.S Ambassador to Great Britain. Keen blood sports fan.

Parents: Satan (Dad) and a jackal (Mum).

Then what? The son of the devil raised as the son of a diplomat. Mind you, so was George W Bush. He probably didn’t dodge sacred knives for a lot of his life though.

Laurie Strode

Who? Equine-faced stalkee.

Parents: Mr & Mrs Myers. Cause of death unknown/unclear/unimportant.

Then what? Brought up in sleepy, event-free suburban Illinois for many years until brother Michael shows up one Halloween night to see if his sister is interested in seeing his extensive range of killing techniques. Textbook family reunion.

Cinderella

Who? Shoe-droppin’ pumpkin-rider.

Parents: A pair of stiff aristocrats. Mummy died first, only for Daddy to re-marry.

Then what? Wicked stepmother Lady Tremaine makes Cinders become an unwitting scullery maid and servant to her pig-ugly daughters. All becomes good in the end though, because of magic and a man – the two essential ingredients in the recipe of life, obviously.

Violet, Klaus, and Sunny Baudelaire

Who? Resourceful sibling threesome.

Parents: Mr & Mrs Baudelaire. Snuffed it in a house blaze.

Then what? Bundled off to a series of increasingly bizarre relatives, the trio escape several murder attempts by nefarious uncle, Count Olaf. Well, it's what their parents would have wanted.

Netquix: You're Next (2011)

Netflix content reviewed in 150 words. Or thereabouts.

YOU'RE NEXT (2011)

Dir: Adam Wingard

Running Time: 95 minutes

A swiftly-paced home-invasion horror, You’re Next barrels along admirably for the popcorn crowd. With a tongue placed joyously in cheek, the remainder of the film’s metaphorical body lies strewn across the set in dismembered body parts and bloody guts.

 

"Who ordered the axe?"

Her on the right is her off've Re-Animator

A simple tale expediently told, the script wastes no time - it establishes immediately the antagonists’ brutal modus operandi and the unwitting victims to whom the carnage is meted out in pleasingly rapid succession. There’s certainly a pull on well-worn hastily-sketched horror caricatures, but the relatively unknown cast play their parts with a tangible bite that fills the screen. Particularly enjoyable are Sharni Vinson’s unexpectedly resourceful antipodean hero and Joe Swanberg’s boorish Drake.

With a knowing 1980’s video nasty era synth score, director Wingard tonally atones to genre fans for his other effort - the disappointing dirge that was V/H/S.* Because essentially, it’s everything that mean-spirited film isn’t: exhilarating, tense, and fun.

8/10

*made after but released prior.

Netquix: Adventureland (2009)

Netflix content reviewed in 150 words. Or thereabouts.

Adventureland (2009)

Dir: Greg Mottola

Running Time: 107 minutes

Originally mis-sold as a dick-swinging American Pie-style frat comedy, Adventureland is far too sweet and subtle a venture to suffer that tarnished labelling. Likeable lead Jesse Eisenberg (think Michael Cera in minor chord) idles away his re-routed vacation barely working at a lo-rent amusement park whilst yearning for the slightly clipped charms of co-worker Kristen Stewart.

With a pace wholly befitting the long, lazy weeks of a summer holiday, the couple’s core romance is drip fed leisurely amongst the quieter character moments and sporadic smattering of offbeat yuks. Eisenberg nails that entirely relatable encapsulation of youth: the tangible tangle of nervous anticipation and self-regard. That he does it with such natural magnetism is a credit to both him and script.

Though the late 80’s indie soundtrack may unwittingly emit the faintly occasional noxious whiff of corporate alt. indie, Adventureland is an honourable and truthful work: gently wistful and utterly commendable. 

7/10

Bee Movies: Movies with Bees In

Bees aren't just fat wasps you know. The lovable black and yellow honey-shitters have been buzzing over our cinema screens for as long as however long a cursory Google search will reveal. To celebrate that fact, let's have another not-at-all arbitrary rundown of everyone's favourite pollen-pickers throughout cinema's long and needless history.

The Swarm (1978)

"Forget abaht the bee," cajoles kindly scientist Michael Caine in this infamously limp insect chiller. If only he could, given that he thinks The Swarm is the worst film he's ever made. And this from the man who was in Jaws: The Revenge. Anyway, see if you can spot rapper Erik B making his on-screen debut in the background. I mean, you won't be able to 'cos he's not in it, but why not try and spot him anyway?

Bee Movie (2007)

Imagine the pitch:

"Jerry Seinfeld, right, off've comedy, is, wait for it...a bee!" 

"What, really? He looks more equine, if anything. Or perhaps a giraffe. Oh, it's a cartoon? Yeah yeah, sure. Take $150,000,000 and do what you gotta do. But hey - get some excitable black dude in the funny buddy role. You know, Eddie Murphy, Chris Rock or whoever."

The X-Files: Fight the Future (1998)

Seen this film about five times and I still can't remember why there are bees in it.

Best in Show (2000)

In which hilariously despicable people lose their pooch's Busy Bee toy. Bereft of an accurate replacement, they're faced with the dilemma of offering instead; a squeaky parrot, a black/yellow striped fish, or "a bear in a bee's costume".

Winnie the Pooh (2011)

Trouser-less nectar-addict spends entire film pissing off bee-kind by tearing up their homes in an insatiable quest for his next honey hit. In one truly astonishing depiction of withdrawal despair, the grizzly fatso is seen scoffing paw-fuls of dirt as some sort of muddy methadone. 

The Wicker Man (2006)

A movie so stupid even ITV3 repels it, this dumb-headed remake takes everything brilliant about the original, stuffs it into a basket bloke, sets it alight and makes this honey-soaked bollock cheese instead. Nicholas Cage suffers bee stings, flames and credibility meltdown as credits roll.

My Girl (1991)

"My girl's mad at me," sang those nutty boys of eighties pop ska, Madness. This film has nothing to do with them, mind. It's about bee stung-lipped Macaulay Culkin, who gets stung fatally by a bee. Oh, er, spoilers, yeah?

Pure Luck (1991)

Another 1991 movie in which a main character gets on the arse end of an Apis mellifera. This time it's to elicit titters rather than tears though, as Martin Short's allergic-ridden patsy balloons to improbable proportions.

Honey, I Shrunk the Kids (1989)

A double honey hit for this much-celebrated itty-bitty kiddy fest. Firstly, the word "honey" in the title, and secondly, it contains a thrilling* bareback bee-ride by one of titular children. Much better than the soppy ant sequence later.

*definitions of thrilling may vary

Candyman (1992)

Tony Todd's bassoon-voiced, hook-handed murderliser doesn't just turn up in your mirror to claw out your innards you know. He also projectile vomits hivefuls of Hymenoptera into your chops for added chuckles, the wag.

Candyman: Farewell to the Flesh (1995)

Poor Candyman, named so because he was killed to death by racists armed with bees, depicted here in all its stingy, lynch mobby, er, "glory". Anyway, this film's just a rubbish re-tread of the first good one, so come only for the bee action, if you must.

The Secret Life of Bees (2008)

A worthy adaptation of a novel, rather than a real life expose on bees: you know, seeing them down the bookies or inventing the iPod or whatever.

A Taste of Honey (1961)

Honey is delicious. That's science. Despite the title though, this dreary social issues melodrama features not a single sodding bee in it. What a sixties kitchen sink swizz.

Kickass (2010)

One of the funniest lines in the whole film relates to the above, so if you've not seen it, I won't spoil it. Although not in this scene, Nicholas Cage can certainly count this among his better bee-related roles, even if only tangentially.

Vanishing of the Bees (2009)

Essentially a horror movie for honeybees themselves, this charming but slightly alarmist documentary charts the mysterious massacres of said species across the globe. In short, if bees fucked off forever, we might as well just admit defeat and start eating each other.

More Than Honey (2012)

More of the above: footage of them bothering flowers and buzzing their bollocks off like there's no tomorrow. Which, sadly for a lot of them, there isn't.

The Point (1971)

Singer-songwriter Harry Nillson scripted this LSD-soaked slice of psychedelia, as well as providing the tunes. Anyway, it's here 'cos there's giant bees in it. Imagine that, man: GIANT BEES! That's your doors-of-perception-shattering truth hammer right there, that is.

Killer Bees (1974)

TV movie in which Gloria Swanson exerts psychic control over a killer colony. Yeah, right. You ever got a bee to do anything for you? I once asked a bee to bring me a scotch. He brought me a bourbon instead, the utter dick.

Killer Bees (2008)

German horror about German tourists fleeing German bees. 

The Deadly Bees (1966)

If this film is anything like its Wikipedia entry then it's badly-written gibberish.

Invasion of the Bee Girls (1973)

Baps, bees and banging galore as a powerful cosmic force turns women into queen bees who kill men by wearing them out sexually. There are worse ways to die, frankly. Like being attacked by a hammer, for instance. Or crucified. Loads really.

The Savage Bees (1976)

Bees aren't savage, you idiots. They advertise Honey Nut Loops, for crying out loud.

Terror Out of the Sky (1978)

Sequel to the above. Whatever.

The Bees (1978)

If Ronseal titled horror films...

Deadly Invasion: The Killer Bee Nightmare (1995)

A mid-nineties nightmare to me would be something like Northern Uproar or TV's Crime Traveller. Not an insipid bee invasion movie starring Ryan Phillippe.

Killer Bees! (2002)

More small town menacing by our favourite little chubby honey lovers. This bee persecution by film makers is nothing less than a form of racism. Or speciesism. Beeism? Yeah, "beeism". Bloody beeists. 

That's your lot. Now buzz off. Ha ha, "buzz". Because bees.