As the very best popular culture has to offer, it’s no surprise that Doctor Who often bears eerie or even intentional similarity to its silver-screened sibling…
The Curse of
Frankenstein (1957) Vs. The Brain of Morbius (1976)
 |
| Hammer |
 |
| Horror |
FILM
Over-zealous scientist crackpot stitches together a pathetic
mockery of humanity using illegally-obtained body parts and the accidentally
damaged brain of a genius. Hilarity ensues. No, hang on, terrible events ensue.
TV
Dumbo assistant stitches together a pathetic mockery of life
using dubiously-obtained body parts, the accidentally damaged brain of a
criminal genius, and a bloody great goldfish bowl. Bad shit goes down.
VERDICT
Yes, we’ve gone for Hammer’s inaugural horror effort rather
than James Whale’s peerless 1931 classic; the lush Eastmancolor and liberal
splashes of Crayola gore compare more favourably with Who’s lurid
claret-spilling than it does Universal’s expressionistic monochrome. So - The
Doctor and Sarah-Jane at the height of their friendship, romping through
blood-soaked carnage? Or, a mayhem-imbued, delicious melodrama with a lanky,
rampaging pasty-faced fiend? Peter Cushing or Philip Madoc? Tom B or
Christopher Lee? We’re going to wuss out and call this one a draw.
Sunshine (2007) Vs. 42
(2007)
 |
| "Brr, I'm freezing" |
 |
| "He's behind you!" etc |
FILM
Spaceship crew on a mission to give the sun a kick up the
arse. Once in close proximity to the flaming orb, however, they get a bit
bonkers and burny.
TV
Spaceship crew on a mission to mine the crap out of a sun.
Once in close proximity to the flaming orb, however, they get a bit bonkers and
burny.
VERDICT
42’s breakneck speed and thumping tone doesn’t compare
easily to Sunshine’s slow-burner, the latter opting for a more incremental
build in tension than Who’s wham-bam-you’re-fried-spam approach to condensed
story-telling. As a snack-sized thrill ride, 42 is never unwelcome. Ultimately though,
whilst it’s got great direction, it’s inoffensive, generic Doctor Who.
Sunshine, on the other hand, is captivating, character-driven cinema, with Danny Boyle direction and Cillian Murphy.
That’s a big win for film.
Sliding Doors (1998)
Vs. Turn Left (2008)
 |
| "Does your head come in a box?" "Pardon?" |
 |
| "Rose, I think I've got a shit special effect on my back" |
FILM
Gwyneth Paltrow catches a train, gets home to find a floozy
on the wrong end of her boyfriend’s dick, falls in love with John Hannah and
dies. In the alternative timeline, that more or less still happens, but without
the death and a different haircut. The moral of the story seems to be: don’t be
too hasty to get your train - you’ll end up at the same destination regardless.
Sort of.
TV
The concurrent parallel timeline story in which Donna Noble
turns right, doesn’t meet the Doctor (who promptly dies), plunges the earth
into chaos, and then dies herself anyway, forcing her original self to turn
left and correct the timeline. The moral of the story seems to be: it doesn’t
matter which way you turn - you’ll end up at the same destination regardless.
Sort of.
VERDICT
Do you want Catherine Tate and Billie Piper emoting heady
exchanges over the fate of the universe in an episode with allusions to
Nazi-occupied Germany ?
Or would you rather soapy-faced Paltrow and Hannah cooing smug and nauseating
Monty Python references to one another? Not to mention the fact that it’s
directed by Peter “Joey ‘Greetings’ Boswell” Hewitt. No contest then, Who
smashes its sliding doors right bloody in.
The Dalek Invasion of
Earth (1964) Vs. Daleks – Invasion Earth: 2150 A.D. (1966)
 |
| "Fuck you monochrome!" |
 |
| "Well Susan, they might have colour but at least you've got pubes, eh?" |
TV
Hartnell and his homies rock up to post-apocalyptic earth
(well, the Home Counties) to find it strewn with Skaro’s schemiest. The crew
open up a polite but firm can of Whup-Ass on the deadly dustbins, before
dumping Susan for a quick tête-à-tedium with local dullard David.
FILM
Peter Cushing’s human “Dr. Who” TARDIS-rockets his niece and
granddaughter to London ’s
grim future as a Dalek-controlled wasteland. Thwarting their nefarious plans by
organising a rebellion against the alien oppressors, he also takes some time
out to casually stroll past some conveniently-placed Sugar Puffs posters.
Bernard Cribbins tags along for loveable, though often tiresome, hi-jinx.
VERDICT
Of course, the Cushing movies are unique in being literal
film adaptations of existing television adventures. With a glorious kaleidoscope
of bauble-tinted Daleks, all the rattling action crammed into a slender running
time a third the length of the original, and Bernard brilliant Cribbins, the
big screen version is an improvement on its televisual predecessor in just
about every single aspect.
Titanic (1997) Vs.
Voyage of the Damned (2007)
 |
| "I've like, totally seen your tits" |
 |
| Gaudy shit |
FILM
Aesthetically-pleasing couple pursue class-divided
relationship on voyage aboard doomed ship Titanic. As the liner goes down,
tragedy befalls both passengers and pair whilst the audience cry enough water
to sink an entire fleet of the non-floating fuckers.
TV
Aesthetically-pleasing alien couple pursue species-divided
friendship on voyage aboard doomed starship Titanic. As the liner goes down,
tragedy befalls both passengers and pair whilst the audience immediately turns
to Gallifrey Base to post hyperbole-imbued bitter rants, or intolerable squees
of inanity.
VERDICT
Is Titanic a needlessly saccharine yawn of over-wrought
sentimentality, or a master craftsman weaving an emotionally-manipulative love
story from human tragedy? The truth lies somewhere in the middle. Voyage of the
Damned, meanwhile, is a patchwork quilt of disaster movies, broad ‘n’ bonkers
science-fantasy concepts, and colourful RTD character moments. Neither product
shows their respective artists at their best, but given its bearable length,
exuberance, and merciful lack of Celine Dion, we’ll take a slice of
below-par, shouty Who over “Oiceberg! Roight ahead!” any day.
The Mummy (1959) Vs.
Pyramids of Mars (1975)
 |
| "No, seriously, that really hurts. Stop it" |
 |
| "FUCKING COME ON THEN YOU CAAANTS!" |
FILM
English archaeologists ill-advisedly excavate tomb of
mummified Egyptian god Karnak . Worshipper of
said bandaged badass follows him to England to raise his crusty cadaver
in order to wreak terrible revenge.
TV
English archaeologist ill-advisedly excavates ancient
Egyptian artefacts. Namin, Egyptian worshipper of jackal-faced Orisan, Sutekh,
uses robot Mummies to enable his master escape from permanent incarceration.
Well, actually, the reanimated corpse of the English archaeologist does a lot
of that too. Plus, the Doctor’s in it – did we mention that? Oh, you should
just watch it – it really is very good.
VERDICT
Given that Pyramids of Mars has been scientifically tested
by Professor Stephen Hawkings (probably) as being improbably brilliant, and all Mummy movies are essentially a bit samey and dull,
forgive us if we side with the fella with the curly hair and blue box on this
occasion. Plus, Mr Bronson’s in it. So there. Class dismissed.
