L.A. Nope

Rockstar, game developer par excellence, recently published a title to which I was very much looking forward; crime drama L.A. Noire. From the previews and teasers this was going to be as immersive and arresting as the series for which the studio had become rightly famous: Grand Theft Auto.

A 1940’s pulp detective yarn in which your character rises through the ranks of the LAPD solving grizzly crimes in California’s seedy underbelly? And it uses amazing facial mapping technology so that you can interview suspects and read their responses? Sorry, which member of my family would you like me to sacrifice just to play it now?

Eagerly pre-ordering at the earliest possible opportunity, I awaited those few months with increased anticipation as the release date drew ever closer, informing everyone who would listen – and several who wouldn’t – that L.A. Noire was the release to define this generation and alter the gaming landscape indefinitely.

So, what happened? Well, let’s just say that expectations and I are no longer on speaking terms…

Expectations and I, portrayed by two actors presumably trying to convey serious relationship issues (as all I did to get this image was type "divorced couple" into Google. Christ, these captions shouldn't be this long, surely?).

For a start, calling it a game is a contradiction in terms. A game should at least contain an element of challenge; there is no such thing here. Guiding hero Detective Phelps around crime scenes, stabbing ‘x’ to gather clues and then gently nudging the plot onwards is a laborious trudge through endless cut-scenes over which the player has little to no control. The much-touted interrogation aspect is initially thrilling, until I realised it didn’t matter how successful I was at said task – the game continues regardless. Player autonomy and consequences are entirely illusory concepts; I was told angrily by suspects that they’d refuse to answer any more of my damn questions only to inexplicably acquiesce at the next prompt. That’s not gameplay, that’s page-turning.

The game could really benefit from some light-fingered lifting from Quantic Dream’s despondent yet densely-plotted Heavy Rain. A sort of electronic version of a “choose-your-own-adventure” book, it’s an interactive drama that utilises a branching narrative and morality system moulded around player decisions and dexterity, as you struggle to discoverer both the identity of a child killer and your own kidnapped son (hey, gaming's not all giant mushrooms and AK’s these days). It’s an experience that reflects, to its best ability, player autonomy which consequently makes for a far more immersive ride than the virtual chapter selection of Rockstar’s latest.

Heavy Rain, a game in which player decisions significantly alter the narrative.

Mindful that I should appraise a game for what it is rather than what it could be, there’s simply not enough left to like. The plot around which the game is based is uninvolving and flat, not helped in the least by its lead, Detective Cole Phelps; he’s a blank-eyed exercise in buttoned-up sanctimony with all the engaging charisma of a tax return form. The shooting is merely functional and the pursuit sections an underwhelming attempt at shoehorning in a little more gameplay filler that fails to elicit any tangible sense of excitement. Even driving between levels can be delegated to your digital deputy, removing even the slightest hint of potential failure. Yes, there is the option to beat every case with a 100% success rate, but given that the process seems so disjointed from actuality, victory is entirely arbitrary. Feeling increasingly detached from the events on screen, the interactive parts feel like they’re encroaching on that which the developers are clearly more interested; hours of languid cut scenes.

Detective Phelps: dot-eyed stiff.

Yes, the facial animation is impressive and it’s gratifying to see a video game approach a plot as integral to the final product as say, headshots, but with such a casual approach to immersion, L.A. Noire never feels more like a half-finished technology demo. Just the ability to wield your weapon during interrogation would be a bonus, threatening to fire a volley of bullets into your suspect’s face and garner a suitable reaction would improve things (and believe me, I felt like doing exactly that four or so cases in). But sadly, just endless crime scene clicking and box-ticking blabbing that needs variety like Nick Griffin needs a kick in the bollocks.

Nick Griffin: swivel-eyed fuck. I'm not suggesting you kick him in the bollocks; I'm saying you definitely should.

I went from intrigued to indifferent to incensed and before I could emote any more with a word whose prefix is “in”, I ejected the disc and stuck it on PlayTrade for – tellingly – £13 less than I paid a fortnight prior on launch date. Sorry Rockstar. I wanted to love this, I desperately tried to. But it emptied a round of shells into my spine and left me for dead in a piss-soaked alleyway, my wallet gone and only disappointment remaining. Case closed.