Thursday 28 July 2011

Music Review: AGDK

Just recently, videogames journalist Andy Kelly, of PSM3 and being Scottish fame, politely asked Twitter to listen to his ambient musical offerings. Well, what with me being a cocky typeshite with ears on my head and time on my hands, I went one further and wrote of my experiences. Read on my friends…

Andy Kelly, clearly thrilled at being reviewed.

Smirk EP

First up is Threads, either a minimalist ode to post-apocalyptic dystopia or an instrumental tribute to, erm, clothes. If it is the former then the possibly serendipitous title befits its subject matter perfectly. Looped chords of triumph snapped back sharply by a rhythmic hiccupping coat the song in a layer of delicious irony; yes it’s the future alright, but it’s fucked.

Sticking with the future motif, Motivation heralds a time when the universe is grooving to a re-skinned version of the Chock-a-Block theme, in itself no bad thing, assuming we all get to drive around in natty little faux JCB’s powered by little more than a 9 volt battery.
Threads: future bad.
Chock-a-Block: future good.











Heliosphere is an exercise in restraint, a soporific comedown light in incident. An admirable sentiment, but one that stands pivotally between drawing the listener deeply in or nonchalantly minding its own business whilst the world carries on without it. It's an accusation that you certainly couldn’t level at Industry; aggressive swathes of discordance sonically assault the tune in an abstract mash of intentions. It’s the BBC Radiophonic Workshop furiously battling a club beat that shouldn’t really work but somehow absolutely does. Ultimately, the listener is the victor – it’s excellent.


"Hands-up who's a coked-up prick?"
See, to illustrate "Industry" I thought I'd bypass the obvious chimney stacks and go for the fiancial industry instead, yeah? Oh, suit yourself then.


In Circles EP

A simple purity lies within the heart of Alluvion that’s reflective of the ambient genre at large. In stripping away layers of unnecessary texture and crucially, lyrical content, the listener derives pleasure exempt from notions of pre-rendered authorship, thus free to accept music on their terms. Demonstrably, eliciting joy from this song depends entirely on whether you think what sounds like the aural accompaniment to a sci-fi videogame character selection screen is a wonderful or a woeful thing. NB: it is wonderful, so you’re wrong.

Metropolis: Fritz Lang gets all expressionist on yo' ass.
Away takes joyful relief and distils it into a two chord piano sequence. Tranquillity defined. Metropolis’ four click count-in drew a broad grin from my chops, synchronising as it did entirely with my expectations. Predictability in music is rarely a reason to celebrate, but if executed with skill as it is here, it comforts rather than offends the sensibilities. The melancholy chiming of a three chord build is no reinvention of the wheel but last time I checked, the wheel’s doing pretty fine without any refinements, thank you very much.


And finally onto Plane, the standout track by some distance. The most melodic of the bunch, it’s a genuinely cathartic listen that by law should be automatically piped to laptop and PC speakers everywhere to placate the often insane and always indignant fury of internet message boards. I guarantee we’d have online harmony in mere minutes.

Contrary to the terror being displayed here, the song "Plane" is beautifully relaxing. Good job I'm not a picture editor, eh?

In summary then, mostly brilliant.



Tuesday 5 July 2011

Mail Order Middleton

By God, I love the Royal Family and by hell do I love showing it. By wearing absurd clothing, waving meekly at strangers or having sex with my relatives, I’m perpetually displaying my deference to Her Maj’ and co for all that they do for this great nation that I call “England & Friends”.


So imagine my delight (think Boris Johnson’s cum face, but slightly thinner) whilst skimming through my favourite middle class television listings magazine Radio Times, when my beautiful pale blues fell upon the following advertisement.


Katie W: the new definition of a "posh wank".

Yeah. I mean, wow. What better chance would I ever get to signify my love for the Prince’s lawfully-wedded shag than with this ceramic not-in-any-way-creepy tribute to the “Nation’s Sweetheart”, a hand-crafted 16 inches of pleasure? And how lifelike? Her breasts looked good enough to spunk on. At only £134 (plus £6 postage) how could I afford not to?


Thinking not of my overdraft, loan repayments or starving children I hurried right away to fill in the form, sending all methods of payment just to be sure to bag this “one-of-a-kind” commemorative item. I wasn’t certain that my card details, cheque, cash, postal orders or banker’s draft would be enough to secure one so my wife was kind enough to donate her wedding ring just to be on the safe side (I’m sure they’ll have better luck getting it off her finger than I did. She hardly ever used her left hand anyway).


Well, days went by and I heard nothing. Nothing at all. Surely this was no scam? This was Radio Times for crying out loud, not TV Quick. Anguished, I had started to make enquiries into contacting television’s Watchdog but in my haste had mistakenly written to Mick Hucknall rather than Anne Robinsons (it turns out that he’s the automatic recipient of any post marked “Ginger Twat”, not her).


Noel Edmonds, shortly before Atkins.

Luckily, consumer affairs telly tedium wasn’t required and the package containing my beloved porcelain Princess finally shat into my life like a burglar with a wrench. So I carefully pulled at the packaging, my trembling hands peeling back the adhesive tape on the Weetabix packet in which it was sent, and gently pulled out my Middleton miniature with sweaty-palmed anticipation.


And here it is.

Erm...


It was at this point I thought to consult the small print.



Shit.