Netquix: An American Werewolf in London (1981)

Netflix content reviewed in 150 words. Or thereabouts.

An American Werewolf in London (1981)

Dir: John Landis

97 minutes

Comedy horror: you’re either The Fearless Vampire Killers or Lesbian Vampire Killers. And even the latter’s star described it as, “a pile of shit”.

Nurse doing nookie

"Got an Elastoplast?"

Brilliantly, American Werewolf director John Landis gives equal weight to each genre, skilfully blending them like the London and lycanthropy of the title. It helps that the laughs aren’t gag-based yuks, but organic character-driven moments that play to the strengths of the screenplay – believable leads enduring unbelievable horror with humour. Naughton’s anti-hero David Kessler is remarkably likeable: in an alien country harbouring a volatile alien within, it’s little wonder he has such violent dreams.

Landis’ lens captures the eye of a tourist, with stereotypically British iconography such as beat bobbies, Piccadilly Circus and fog-strewn moors. It may not endear him to English Heritage, but selling the location as standoffish and aloof serves the drama well – a doomed love story in an uncaring world of fur, fangs, fucking and fatalities. Beware the moon. And the sequel...

10/10

Netquix: Cabin in the Woods (2012)

Netflix content reviewed in 150 words. Or thereabouts.

The Cabin in the Woods (2012)

Dir: Drew Goddard

95 minutes

In which horror films - or maybe slasher films (it’s a woolly target) - are deconstructed with such smart-arse smuggery, it’s a wonder the film doesn’t spend the last five minutes stroking itself in the mirror. Which is more or less does anyway.

The most annoying thing is that it singularly fails to replicate authentically the very genre it purports to parody. Unlike, say, Scream, which did the same with more style, wit and genuine menace nearly twenty years ago. Even Friday the 13^th Part VI was making witty self-referential gags back in the 1980's. But hey, it’s scripted by Joss Whedon, so everyone falls to their knees to fellate the living fuck out of it.

In short, horror films have tropes, yeah? Ha ha ha ha! Thanks Joss, but superficially entertaining though your film is, if I wanted to watch a scary-looking yet self-satisfied clown, I’d throw on some Jimmy Carr.

4/10

Netquix: Captain America: The First Avenger (2011)

Netflix content reviewed in 150 words. Or thereabouts.

Captain America: The First Avenger (2011)

Dir: Joe Johnston

125 minutes

Marvel’s super-charged patriot bursts from his comic panels to the silver screen in an adventure that’s surprisingly, not nearly as tiresome as you might expect. A fantasy WW2 yarn of ally-on-Nazi derring-do, the action is frequent, although often poorly-staged and unremarkable. Regardless, the movie engenders enough likeability through sheer brio and charm alone.

Tommy Lee Jones: these days, the answer to the question,
"What if a teabag and a scrotum mated?"

Cheap sunscreen - just not worth it.

Perhaps most deserving of praise are the casting directors: Chris Evans’ sympathetic lead is a blandly reassuring presence, Hugo Weaving’s crimson-skinned Red Skull a scenery-munching adversary, whilst Tommy Lee Jones' avuncular antagonism robs scenes wholesale. And the remaining cast aren’t bad either. It may read like faintly desperate commendation, but in a story this slight – super soldier goodie vs super soldier baddie – it’s enough to have a roster of genuinely compelling characters.

So, it’s lightweight and chokes on its own sincerity at times, but this is a sepia-tinted Captain worthy of at least a cap-doff, even if you wouldn't necessarily follow him into battle. Weak recommend.

5/10

Netquix: Maniac (2012)

Netflix content reviewed in 150 words. Or thereabouts.

Maniac (2012)

Dir: Franck Khalfoun

89 minutes

Frank Khlafoun’s modern update of the notorious eighties slasher is deeply uncomfortable viewing. Starring sapphire-eyed hobbit Elijah Wood as the titular madman, there’s something wholly troubling about the audience’s complicity in the shocking acts of barbarism through the film’s POV framework. To enter murderer Frank Zito’s head – his paranoid ramblings, hallucinatory episodes and jittery awkwardness - gives a tangible feeling of surrendering all rational autonomy, to be trapped firmly in the grip of lunacy.

Tellingly, the film’s heavily Giallo-inspired electronic synth’ score clearly evokes the gore-soaked exploitation flicks of its forbearers’ era. Whether as simple tribute or cynical remount of that genre’s nihilistic attitude remains somewhat muddied.

Does Maniac induce fear? Not exactly, but certainly revulsion and anxiety. Occasionally unbearably tense and often scarcely watchable, it’ll provoke reaction from even the most casually indifferent viewer. A film then, that’s good at what it does, but what it does isn't necessarily all that good. Proceed with extreme caution.

6/10

BlogalongaBoldly #5: Star Trek V: The Voyage Home

Netquix: Clerks (1994)

Netflix content reviewed in 150 words. Or thereabouts.

Clerks (1994)

Dir: Kevin Smith

92 minutes

Kevin Smith’s directorial debut might unwittingly be the ultimate grunge movie: a lo-fi rock ‘n’ roll discharge of Gen X slackerdom. Like said genre, the film’s dynamic alternates between quiet character contemplation and heavy bombastic bouts of extreme silliness, as Smith’s typically garrulous, endlessly-quotable dialogue bursts from the screen throughout.

Jay & Silent Bob: shirking.

Randal & Dante: working.

In fact, it’s easy to see Clerks as little more than a series of black and white skits with a through-line carried by phlegmatic under-achievers Dante and Randal (played with pitch-perfect understated presence by Brian O’Hallarn and Jeff Anderson). But it’s not just a string of YouTube moments: unlike its seemingly directionless 90’s youth, there’s a story at the heart of the hilarity. It's a story of love, rejection and irresponsibility, set during a day shift at a convenience store, and wrapped in an endearing cast of freaks, conversational highlights and dick jokes. Wonderful dick jokes. Get them in you. Now.

9/10

Netquix: V/H/S (2012)

Netflix content reviewed in 150 words. Or thereabouts.

V/H/S (2012)

Dirs: Adam Wingard / Ti West / Glenn McQuiad / Joe Swanberg

1 hour 56 minutes

A found footage horror portmanteau, V/H/S plays much like the storage medium after which it’s named: cheap, clunky and dated. A surprisingly obnoxious raft of shallow plot ciphers pummel through a selection of largely forgettable tales, stitched together loosely by a story populated entirely by despicable sex pests.

 Slithers of tension and short bursts of strong gore aside, the film’s most jaw-dropping moments come not from the scares, but its gender politics. Horror might not be the most liberally progressive of genres admittedly, but it’s hard to find another example where every single female either disrobes or plays submissive slut. Or both. That almost every male character is a beer-swilling belligerent dickbag is hardly adequate recompense.

There’s low-rent thrills to be had (a passable Friday The 13^th parody, cheekily titled “Tuesday the 17^th” and a creepy webcam thriller) but frankly, life is short, and this film sadly isn't. Avoid.

3/10