Whilst my parents are
dead (yeah, boo hoo you, I hear you sneer), I’m probably too old to be
considered an orphan. Unlucky maybe, but not an orphan. The parent-less patrons
of the silver screen however, litter cinema’s history like a hoard of hungry
zombies in search of a snack. Or, more accurately, a bunch of isolated kids
looking for a bit of mothering.
Let’s round some of them up and give them a home, shall we?
James Bond
Who? Lady-loving MI6 agent. Good shot. Bad liver.
Parents: Andrew & Monique, a Scot and a Swiss
respectively. They enjoyed climbing. In fact, they enjoyed it so much they
climbed themselves to death.
Then what? Little Jimmy grew up a dead-eyed murderer
for Queen and country whilst vag’-banging a series of disposable honeys,
employing a steely, humanity-detached brutality to absolutely everything. Oh
James!
Bruce Wayne
Who? Billionaire. Philanthropist. Bat-fancier.
Parents: Thomas & Martha Wayne. He was a surgeon. She
was married to a surgeon. Neither were bullet-proof.
Then what? Grieving boy Bruce resolves to a life of
crime-fighting to prevent anyone suffering the same devastating loss as his.
But, well, dressed as a bat.
Harry Potter
Who? Bespectacled boy wizard. AKA The Boy Who Lived.
Parents: James & Lillian Potter. He was a wizard, she
was a witch. Lord Voldemort took ‘em out with a magic stick.
Then what? Baby Harry was left to the meagre mercy of his
remaining family, the dreaded Dursleys. They did what any caring Aunt and Uncle
would do in the same situation: slung him in the cupboard under the stairs
until he was old enough to board at wizard school. Which begs the question –
where did they keep their hoover?
Kal-El
Who? Kryptonian ex-pat and pants-flashing superhero.
Parents: Jor-El & Lara. They’re rubbish at getting the hell out
of Dodge.
Then what? Raised by kindly farming folk and given earth
name Clarke Kent ,
Kal-El moved to the city, got a proper job, and used his x-ray vision to check out
colleagues’ underwear.
Annie
Who? Carrot-topped curly-noggined irritant.
Parents: David & Margaret Bennett. Died in a fire,
innit.
Then what? Shipped off to New York Hudson Street Orphanage
to sing her cochlea-shattering lungs out and get kidnapped a bit.
Peter Parker
Who? Geeky web-slinger.
Parents: Richard and Mary Parker. Liked science and secrets.
Last seen on a plane obeying gravity with furious intent.
Then what? Raised by his Aunt May and Uncle Ben (no, not
that one), teenage Parker is bitten by a radioactive spider. It gives him
spidey sense, wall-crawling abilities, and a smart-ass mouth.
Margo, Edith, and Agnes
Who? A trio of cookie-selling orphan girls.
Parents: Unknown.
Then what? Adopted by a sociopathic super villain who commands
an army of yellow creatures, owns a a shrinking ray, and has mother issues.
What could possibly go wrong?
Oliver Twist
Who? Whey-faced workhouse urchin.
Parents: Agnes Fleming & unknown (well, not in the book,
but we don’t give a bowl of gruel for that here).
Then what? Singing, asking for more, singing, getting
trapped in a coffin, more singing, pick-pocketing, singing, singing, and
finally, being re-integrated into middle class society. Plus, some singing.
Mowgli
Who? Pudding bowl-haired man cub.
Parents: Unknown. Probably human. May not even be dead.
Then what? Raised by wolves, protected by a black panther,
and sang at by an orangutan. Rejoins humankind at first opportunity, perhaps understandably.
James Henry Trotter
Who? Soft fruit cruiser.
Parents: Mr & Mrs Trotter. Trampled to death by a
rhinoceros. Pretty typical really.
Then what? Raised and abused in equal measures by the heartless Aunt Spiker and Aunt Sponge, James ditches a life of servile misery by
hitching a ride on an overgrown peach, teaming up with a gang of friendly
anthropomorphic bugs, and inexplicably, turning himself into a cartoon.
Damien Thorn
Who? CEO of Thorn Industries and U.S Ambassador to Great Britain .
Keen blood sports fan.
Parents: Satan (Dad) and a jackal (Mum).
Then what? The son of the devil raised as the son of a
diplomat. Mind you, so was George W Bush. He probably didn’t dodge sacred
knives for a lot of his life though.
Laurie Strode
Who? Equine-faced stalkee.
Parents: Mr & Mrs Myers. Cause of death
unknown/unclear/unimportant.
Then what? Brought up in sleepy, event-free suburban
Illinois for many years until brother Michael shows up one Halloween night to see if his sister is
interested in seeing his extensive range of killing techniques. Textbook family reunion.
Cinderella
Who? Shoe-droppin’ pumpkin-rider.
Parents: A pair of stiff aristocrats. Mummy died first, only
for Daddy to re-marry.
Then what? Wicked stepmother Lady Tremaine makes Cinders
become an unwitting scullery maid and servant to her pig-ugly daughters. All
becomes good in the end though, because of magic and a man – the two essential
ingredients in the recipe of life, obviously.
Violet, Klaus, and Sunny Baudelaire
Who? Resourceful sibling threesome.
Parents: Mr & Mrs Baudelaire. Snuffed it in a house
blaze.
Then what? Bundled off to a series of increasingly bizarre
relatives, the trio escape several murder attempts by nefarious uncle,
Count Olaf. Well, it's what their parents would have wanted.
