Netquix: Howard the Duck (1986)

Netflix content reviewed in 150 words. Or thereabouts.

Howard the Duck (1986)

Dir: Willard Huyck

111 minutes

A comic book adaptation so loose it might as well be Rik Waller’s trousers around Charles Hawtrey’s waist, Howard the Duck is producer George Lucas out of his Ewok mind on power and irresponsibility. Chronicling the feathered misfortunes of a distinctly unlikeable fowl, it’s a major misstep on just about every conceivable level. By turns unfunny, plodding, poorly-plotted and insultingly ugly, it’s a disjointed and badly-acted disaster of an “adventure” that quacks amateur from every frame.

Duck tits. DUCKS DON'T HAVE TITS.

Duck condom. NOW THINKING OF DUCK COCK

With a fatal misunderstanding of how to interpret the source material, the film is an ill-judged tonal cacophony that smashes together unsuccessfully the narrative infancy of a CBeebies pantomime with queasy, adolescent humour. Sex references and nudity jostles uncomfortably with kid-friendly knockabout chase scenes and atom-thin caricatures who wouldn’t seem out of place in a ChuckleVision omnibus.

Which leads to the ultimate question: who is this film for? Answer: no one. Duck off Howard.

1/10

Howard the Duck: bunch of arse.

Netquix: Robot & Frank (2012)

Netflix content reviewed in 150 words. Or thereabouts.

Robot & Frank (2012)

Dir: Jake Schreir

89 minutes

A gentle, shuffle-paced drama, light on incident but heavy on the heartstrings, Robot and Frank is a sweet-natured take on ageing, family, and companionship. Tonally, it's an episode of Charlie Brooker’s Black Mirror strained through a nice filter, which envisions a near and semi-plausible future where it’s entirely possible to give your irascible father a robot butler to assist his medical needs.

 

Robot and Frank

Frank and Robot

Despite his belligerence, Frank Langella’s eponymous retired cat burglar is a sympathetic lead: a curmudgeonly frustration borne from the bewilderment of modernity and memory failure. The film narrowly but brilliantly avoids the clichéd pitfall of giving his ‘bot buddy human qualities – Frank’s friendship is one carved entirely from his own actions, forcing him to face up to both his own behaviour and mortality.

Despite the haunted grit in the ingredients list there is, at core, an unapologetic soft centre, blended skillfully by first time director Jake Schreier. Recommended.

7/10

Netquix: Chasing Amy (1997)

Netflix content reviewed in 150 words. Or thereabouts.

Chasing Amy (1997)

Dir: Kevin Smith

1 hour 53 minutes

Slamming the brakes on Mallrats’ knockabout antics, Chasing Amy is writer/director Kevin Smith’s reach towards greater emotional maturity. Chronicling the turbulent relationship between Ben Affleck’s dough-headed comic doodler Holden and adventurous, flighty Alyssa (charmingly played by vinegar-voiced Joey Lauren Adams), it’s a realistically-played and often perilous portrayal of love, sex and egotism.

Getting to the bottom of "Fingercuffs"

"Snootchie Bootchies!"

 A contentious sell maybe (“hetero male dates lesbian”), but that it retains warmth and humour whilst making serious points about gender orientation, sexual autonomy and, er, comic books, is to the film’s eternal credit. Naturally for Smith, there are also vulgarities to savour, a brilliant Jason Lee performance, and a hilarious Jay & Silent Bob cameo.

Admittedly, not everyone will enjoy this seemingly self-indulgent couple’s romance, and some of the dialogue sounds distinctly literary, rather than conversational. These are, however, slightly underwhelming comic panels in an otherwise brilliant trade paperback. Chase Amy. Chase her down right now.

7/10

Netquix: An American Werewolf in London (1981)

Netflix content reviewed in 150 words. Or thereabouts.

An American Werewolf in London (1981)

Dir: John Landis

97 minutes

Comedy horror: you’re either The Fearless Vampire Killers or Lesbian Vampire Killers. And even the latter’s star described it as, “a pile of shit”.

Nurse doing nookie

"Got an Elastoplast?"

Brilliantly, American Werewolf director John Landis gives equal weight to each genre, skilfully blending them like the London and lycanthropy of the title. It helps that the laughs aren’t gag-based yuks, but organic character-driven moments that play to the strengths of the screenplay – believable leads enduring unbelievable horror with humour. Naughton’s anti-hero David Kessler is remarkably likeable: in an alien country harbouring a volatile alien within, it’s little wonder he has such violent dreams.

Landis’ lens captures the eye of a tourist, with stereotypically British iconography such as beat bobbies, Piccadilly Circus and fog-strewn moors. It may not endear him to English Heritage, but selling the location as standoffish and aloof serves the drama well – a doomed love story in an uncaring world of fur, fangs, fucking and fatalities. Beware the moon. And the sequel...

10/10

Netquix: Cabin in the Woods (2012)

Netflix content reviewed in 150 words. Or thereabouts.

The Cabin in the Woods (2012)

Dir: Drew Goddard

95 minutes

In which horror films - or maybe slasher films (it’s a woolly target) - are deconstructed with such smart-arse smuggery, it’s a wonder the film doesn’t spend the last five minutes stroking itself in the mirror. Which is more or less does anyway.

The most annoying thing is that it singularly fails to replicate authentically the very genre it purports to parody. Unlike, say, Scream, which did the same with more style, wit and genuine menace nearly twenty years ago. Even Friday the 13^th Part VI was making witty self-referential gags back in the 1980's. But hey, it’s scripted by Joss Whedon, so everyone falls to their knees to fellate the living fuck out of it.

In short, horror films have tropes, yeah? Ha ha ha ha! Thanks Joss, but superficially entertaining though your film is, if I wanted to watch a scary-looking yet self-satisfied clown, I’d throw on some Jimmy Carr.

4/10

Netquix: Captain America: The First Avenger (2011)

Netflix content reviewed in 150 words. Or thereabouts.

Captain America: The First Avenger (2011)

Dir: Joe Johnston

125 minutes

Marvel’s super-charged patriot bursts from his comic panels to the silver screen in an adventure that’s surprisingly, not nearly as tiresome as you might expect. A fantasy WW2 yarn of ally-on-Nazi derring-do, the action is frequent, although often poorly-staged and unremarkable. Regardless, the movie engenders enough likeability through sheer brio and charm alone.

Tommy Lee Jones: these days, the answer to the question,
"What if a teabag and a scrotum mated?"

Cheap sunscreen - just not worth it.

Perhaps most deserving of praise are the casting directors: Chris Evans’ sympathetic lead is a blandly reassuring presence, Hugo Weaving’s crimson-skinned Red Skull a scenery-munching adversary, whilst Tommy Lee Jones' avuncular antagonism robs scenes wholesale. And the remaining cast aren’t bad either. It may read like faintly desperate commendation, but in a story this slight – super soldier goodie vs super soldier baddie – it’s enough to have a roster of genuinely compelling characters.

So, it’s lightweight and chokes on its own sincerity at times, but this is a sepia-tinted Captain worthy of at least a cap-doff, even if you wouldn't necessarily follow him into battle. Weak recommend.

5/10

Netquix: Maniac (2012)

Netflix content reviewed in 150 words. Or thereabouts.

Maniac (2012)

Dir: Franck Khalfoun

89 minutes

Frank Khlafoun’s modern update of the notorious eighties slasher is deeply uncomfortable viewing. Starring sapphire-eyed hobbit Elijah Wood as the titular madman, there’s something wholly troubling about the audience’s complicity in the shocking acts of barbarism through the film’s POV framework. To enter murderer Frank Zito’s head – his paranoid ramblings, hallucinatory episodes and jittery awkwardness - gives a tangible feeling of surrendering all rational autonomy, to be trapped firmly in the grip of lunacy.

Tellingly, the film’s heavily Giallo-inspired electronic synth’ score clearly evokes the gore-soaked exploitation flicks of its forbearers’ era. Whether as simple tribute or cynical remount of that genre’s nihilistic attitude remains somewhat muddied.

Does Maniac induce fear? Not exactly, but certainly revulsion and anxiety. Occasionally unbearably tense and often scarcely watchable, it’ll provoke reaction from even the most casually indifferent viewer. A film then, that’s good at what it does, but what it does isn't necessarily all that good. Proceed with extreme caution.

6/10