BlogalongaBoldly #5: Star Trek V: The Voyage Home

Netquix: Clerks (1994)

Netflix content reviewed in 150 words. Or thereabouts.

Clerks (1994)

Dir: Kevin Smith

92 minutes

Kevin Smith’s directorial debut might unwittingly be the ultimate grunge movie: a lo-fi rock ‘n’ roll discharge of Gen X slackerdom. Like said genre, the film’s dynamic alternates between quiet character contemplation and heavy bombastic bouts of extreme silliness, as Smith’s typically garrulous, endlessly-quotable dialogue bursts from the screen throughout.

Jay & Silent Bob: shirking.

Randal & Dante: working.

In fact, it’s easy to see Clerks as little more than a series of black and white skits with a through-line carried by phlegmatic under-achievers Dante and Randal (played with pitch-perfect understated presence by Brian O’Hallarn and Jeff Anderson). But it’s not just a string of YouTube moments: unlike its seemingly directionless 90’s youth, there’s a story at the heart of the hilarity. It's a story of love, rejection and irresponsibility, set during a day shift at a convenience store, and wrapped in an endearing cast of freaks, conversational highlights and dick jokes. Wonderful dick jokes. Get them in you. Now.

9/10

Netquix: V/H/S (2012)

Netflix content reviewed in 150 words. Or thereabouts.

V/H/S (2012)

Dirs: Adam Wingard / Ti West / Glenn McQuiad / Joe Swanberg

1 hour 56 minutes

A found footage horror portmanteau, V/H/S plays much like the storage medium after which it’s named: cheap, clunky and dated. A surprisingly obnoxious raft of shallow plot ciphers pummel through a selection of largely forgettable tales, stitched together loosely by a story populated entirely by despicable sex pests.

 Slithers of tension and short bursts of strong gore aside, the film’s most jaw-dropping moments come not from the scares, but its gender politics. Horror might not be the most liberally progressive of genres admittedly, but it’s hard to find another example where every single female either disrobes or plays submissive slut. Or both. That almost every male character is a beer-swilling belligerent dickbag is hardly adequate recompense.

There’s low-rent thrills to be had (a passable Friday The 13^th parody, cheekily titled “Tuesday the 17^th” and a creepy webcam thriller) but frankly, life is short, and this film sadly isn't. Avoid.

3/10

BlogalongaBoldly #4: Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home

Netquix: RoboCop 2 (1990)

Netflix content reviewed in 150 words. Or thereabouts.

RoboCop 2 (1990)

Dir: Irvin Kershner

1 hour 56 minutes

A karaoke rendition of the original through a megaphone, RoboCop 2 is one neon and noisy son-of-a-bot. Unfortunately, with a script seriously lacking in focus (by Frank Miller of legendary Batman comic The Dark Knight Returns) and a drive towards the needlessly savage, rather than the savagely satirical, it’s a clumsily-executed re-tread with few of the light touches that buoyed its immediate forbearer.

Loosely threaded by non sequitirs and an apparent disinterest in the lead (who now walks, inexplicably, like he’s just shit himself) , the film is driven not by plot, but by a series of mostly ugly action sequences and a raft of dislikeable and unengaging characters. Missing both the pomp of its triumphant theme tune and much of the wit with which the original was woven, it’s not a terrible film, just a deeply unremarkable one. And nothing with “RoboCop” in the title should ever be that.

4/10

Flap Off: Flipping the Bird to the Chirping Turd

You’ve probably not missed the recent reality-distraction of a smartphone game, Flappy Bird. The aim is simple: keep airborne a flight-shy canary by endless screen tapping. Now further navigate its way through various Mario-style pipes for points. It’s a tireless exercise that feeds the lab-rat compulsion of score-bettering, but with zero sense of achievement or enjoyment. 

So far, so suck, but its baffling level of popularity has lead, inevitably, to a slew of legal litigation-baiting imitators, all wanting their piece of the feathered nest. So, with a sense of self-loathing, I set about trying all of them. This is what I discovered.

Fly Birdie – Flappy Bird Flyer

TapTomic

The most brazen infringement of intellectual property on this list to crap down from above, which has even half-inched the title. As it’s slightly uglier, much easier and even less compelling, it’s less a Xerox, more a smudged Polaroid of the original. But don’t take my word for it. Check out Stoo bum’s grammatically-challenged but otherwise spot-on review.

Flappy Plane

sungsoo jung

Well, yes, planes do have flaps. Their use to constantly levitate said vehicles is frankly questionable, however. Suffice to say, this game is deep-fried dogshit. Weirdly, it comes with a difficulty level selection but no instructions.

“And how would sir like his Unicorn penis cooked?”

“Erm...”

The gameplay, such as it is, requires the player to not so much tap the screen as keep the finger humming at a speed invisible to the naked eye, lest your poorly-animated aircraft belly-flop to the ill-defined no-go area below. All to the nauseating aural backdrop of a cheap nineties Casio. To add insult to incompetency, it’s rammed to the pixels with bullshit pop-ups and ads, so exists purely as a platform to hawk yet more thumb-numbing nonsense.

Flappy Rabbits!

Aitor Velasco

An eerily silent “smear the icon about to miss hailing things” puff of nothing. Card game Snap carries a greater level of sophistication.

Ironpants

Eduardas Klenauskis

Ha ha ha - "pants"! See, it's better than Flappy Birds because oh no wait it is just as shit.

Flappy Penguin

DaisyBo LLC

Dunno about this: there’s no free version so fuck ‘em.

Super Ball Juggling

Dong Nguyen

Doesn't really belong on this list but it’s by the same team/man/pebble that produced the original so here it is. Either way, like wanking at disaster footage; joyless and confusing.

A Flappy Turkey World - The Best Tree Village Mini Pet Birds Free Adventure

Ashfak Ahmed

A slightly sub-par side-scrolling Doughnut Games-style dodge-em-up that’s, hey, not too hateful if you’re into that sort of thing. It only earns its place here due to its mischievous/cynical use of the word “flappy” in the title (a title so long, it doesn't fit on the App Store). Do Turkeys flap? Suppose their wattles do. Or their wings, if someone’s treading on their necks, swinging an axe wildly towards their throat.

Smarcle Flyer

Smarcle, Inc.

“What’s a Smarcle?” I hear no one ask. On the evidence of this, I’d say it’s the sound of lawyers typing threatening cease-and-desist letters.

Now, the next two games pre-date Flappy Birds by at least three years, so their inclusion on this list was questionable at best and downright dishonest at worst. This was pointed out to me after initial publishing so apologies and suckjobs all round to anyone concerned. I loathe intellectual property theft (hence this) so to accuse others of it without doing a modicum of research is unforgivably poor on my part.

I'm leaving them here though, as the core mechanics are startlingly similar to Nguyen's App Store chart topper. Or rather, his game is startling similar to theirs. Of course, I'm not for one second suggesting that he copied existing titles. Oh no. If you wish to decide that, then that is your conclusion. Not mine.

Copter Classic

Classic Games

From the audaciously-titled Classic Games is this – the only iOS release that feels as if it’s been knitted into existence. Ironically, chewing a ball of wool would be more pleasurable than cranking up this abomination of a timepiss. It lacks even the common decency to be a challenge: halfheartedly navigate your bum-guffing chopper through a chasm of easily-avoidable blocks. Bring it down with firepower and dance about like a lunatic insurgent on the news NOW.

iCopter

lawlmart

iHatethis

So, that's it. What have we learnt? 

Nothing. We have learnt absolutely nothing.

Netquix: RoboCop (1987)

Netflix content reviewed in 150 words. Or thereabouts.

RoboCop (1987)

Dir: Paul Verhoeven
102 minutes

Lazer-targeted satire of rampant commercialism? Ultra-violent action pulp? Or a dark sci-fi parable on the nature of autonomy? Appropriately enough, Paul Verhoeven’s brutally savage crime yarn welds the very human grit, sleaze and carnage of 70’s grindhouse to the corporate mechanical sheen of coked-up 80’s excess; a motorised monster of a movie utterly thrilling from start to finish on any level you choose to take it.

No need to buy it for a dollar. Just stream it, ok?

Dick and Ed

A taut tale expediently told, Peter Weller’s transformation from rookie to robot has a breathless quality, drenched in pitch black humour that lifts it above its generic genre brethren. Crucially, the comedy never undercuts the drama – moreover, it adds to the rich tapestry of a film that in the wrong hands, could have easily been a cheesy superhero pastiche. As it stands, RoboCop is a curious and furious mix of debauched hedonism and the faintly fascistic. Verhoven done good. Now give the man a hand.

10/10

Netquix: Best Worst Movie

Netflix content reviewed in 150 words. Or thereabouts.

BEST WORST MOVIE (2009)

Dir: Michael Paul Stephenson

93 minutes

Essentially the Spinal Tap of movie reunion movies (but real), Best Worst Movie documents endearingly the resurgence in cult popularity of celluloid slop-bucket, Troll 2. Child lead Stephenson turns the lens on himself, his co-“stars” and fans in a bittersweet journey that’s every bit as excruciating and hilarious as its cinematic subject matter.

Focusing largely on dentist-cum-actor George Hardy -a perma-grinning likeable everyman fumbling his way through cult appreciation – he’s the sensible centre around which much of the delusion and madness that forged the film revolves. Witness his un-cracked smile to the news that his DVD is filed in the “Holy Fucking Shit!” section of a video rental store: here is a man who truly understands his place in the acting world.

George Hardy: grinning

Troll 2: winning.

 Occasional overlong lingers on the pained misfortunes of its participants aside, this is an excellent and refreshingly cynicism-free celebration of schlock horror filmmaking that’s so bad, it’s utterly astonishing.

9/10