Blogalongabond #3: Goldfinger

Donuts, The Doctor & Dicks

Hang on, wait a minute; it’s 2011? You’re kidding, right? Well fuck my fat aunt, it’s well over ten years since I graduated. Besides getting married and spawning two pint-sized duplicates, I’m not exactly sure what I’ve done with all that precious time. It’s safe to assume I’ve probably spent an unhealthy proportion of that period dedicated to self-abuse, be it sporadic illicit revisits to my former habit as a smoker, heart-threateningly heroic intakes of saturated fats and lastly but most likely, pummelling my fist into my groin like a man possessed by the spirit of Onan. (Of which, I’ve never been quite sure why masturbation is classed as “self-abuse”. Who’s being abused exactly – the tissues?)



Dressing like a twat in my 20's



All of which have taken variable tolls on my external appearance; whilst you could in no way describe me as fat, I’m certainly not thin any more. Subsequently, dressing for my age (early thirties) has become something of a sartorial minefield. Let’s be clear: I’ve never been cool. Hardly a revelation, more an acknowledgement of reality but there it is. Being in my twenties was fairly easy however –new media had made ironic cartoon t-shirt-wearing pricks of us all, and a pair of battered Converse All Stars would cover any embarrassment to the point where they made a perennially-uncool character like Doctor Who the epitome of chic for about five minutes sometime in the middle of the decade. A minor point to note here – I had a letter published in the official magazine for said television programme circa 2003 pointing out that their recent photo mock-up of what they believed a “cool Who fan” looks like was troublingly spot on in my case.*





Tim Bisley - 00's style icon. Sort of.



But should thirtysomethings still wear ripped jeans and prints of Futurama characters? Does that not belie the perceived maturity a man of stature is supposed to convey? But I’m not spiritually mature, just physically so and as mentioned above, verging on a cliff labelled “chubby”. A cliff made of Battenbergs, Bournvilles and Belly Pork. And the only other person I know my age who dresses as a misunderstood goth just out of sixth form looks like a dick. But then just as equally, fitting into comfortable jeans and v-neck sweaters from Man at Next just screams dick too. It seems whatever I do, I’m destined to walk around like a baffled, weather-beaten phallus that’s just jizzed his load. Again.



One mighty prick flanked by his symmetrical balls






*yeah, you'd think I would have remembered to scan this image and a photo of me at the time to fully illustrate this point, but then you'd be mistaking me for someone who knows what they're doing.





Blogalongabond #2: From Russia with Love

From Russia with Love. 1963. d. Terence Young

From Russia with “love”? Love? Really? I associate Russia with many things (vodka, communism and those furry little hats mainly) but not love. But we shouldn’t equate success by name alone, else popular polyp-petting paste Anusol wouldn’t have sold so much as a squirt of its red-ring bum balm in its crapper-calming lifetime.

So, without further resort to cheap remarks concerning chapped cheeks, let’s move beyond the title for this film, the second entry in EON’s James Bond films.

Whilst Goldfinger mops up the broader public acclaim (but let’s not get ahead of ourselves) it’s often From Russia with Love that trumps it in fan estimation. And before you ask, I have no empirical evidence of this - what do I look like, Wikipedia? You’re reading the words of a man who for most of his adult life thought that the Only Fools & Horses theme was sang by Rodney.  So, assuming I’m right about everything ever, From Russia with Love is one of fandom’s favourite children (you know, the one with the grades and the table manners) and from the initial outlook, it’s not hard to see why.



#Stick a pony in your pocket#
"Zip it Lyndhurst"



For one, it’s aesthetically stunning. The colour grade has been pinched to picture postcard perfection, every single frame whispering sweet nothings to your eyeballs for the film’s duration. Even the back projection somehow belies its cheap production method. Secondly, the film is less broadly comic book than its immediate forbearer. OK, so it’s got a cat-stroking villain who runs an assassin school, just accept it. Beyond these fantastical trappings, however, lies a fairly straightforward spy story; there’s no tangible sense of threat to the greater world, just the reputation of one nation’s espionage department.

A languid pace but rarely dull, it often comes across as the eventful video diaries of a secret agent on a European inter-railing jaunt. Of whom, Sean Connery is even more at home in the role than his inaugural performance. In fact, at times he looks a little too comfortable; he spends the first fifteen minutes of his screen time barely stifling a giggle, like a smirking teenager who’s just broken wind and waiting for it to register. I can’t blame him though; he could wear a toothbrush moustache and Boob Inspector cap and still have thousands of women queuing up for a quick check of their waps. Even the wallop he administers to Tatiana somehow comes across as a stern bit of concern for her welfare, rather than a brutal act of domestic abuse.



"Oh James, I love it when you punch me."



The supporting cast are uniformly excellent, Terence Young’s squeezing of performance evident with every line of dialogue uttered. Benard Lee, Lois Maxwell, Vladek Sheybal and Robert Shaw work wonders with the material given to them. There’s some guy called Desmond Llewellyn too (wonder if he’ll crop up again, eh?) but he’s yet to really play the role for which he became famous. Especially entertaining is Lotte Lenya’s playing against type as amphibious sadist Rosa Klebb; it would take some twenty five years before a lesbian would seem quite so sinister, and Pam St Clement’s no Russian assassin, is she? Yeah I know, cheap shot…

The score is much more consistent than Dr No’s, given that it’s now John Barry at the baton rather Monty Norman (although over-zealous use of the theme is all too evident when used completely superfluously whilst Bond calmly checks his hotel room). The plot improves on the novel’s narrative by introducing SPECTRE, and tightening up the tension between Bond and Grant whilst dispensing with the typical Fleming info-dump of the novel. It may have lost some of the less-than-subtle “bromance” (or homo-eroticism for the less squeamish) between 007 and Ali Kerim Bay in translation, but such melodrama felt unnecessary anyway. It could even – if you’re in generous mood – take the credit for inventing that staple now more normally associated with the horror genre: the villain’s unexpected final reprise and last stand. Plus, with its sniper-though-the-Saltzman-produced-film-poster sequence, achieves a tiny modicum of post modernity, a phrase I hope never to have to type again.


"My tea towel! So, that's why all my crockery tastes like penis."





Uh oh Ripley, here we go again.



"Less fuzz Mr Bond?"

Its weaknesses are sparse. The gypsy fight is a plot-redundant ode to wanking that does no further to develop the narrative than if Victor Kayam were to waddle onto set extolling the virtues of the Remington Fuzzaway. And of belly-dancing, whenever I see an undulating tummy, I don’t get turned on. Moreover, I fear that said stomach is about to burst open in a spray of blood by a slimy cock-shaped creature with a serious cob on. Thanks a lot Ridley Scott. Finally, whilst lauded for simplicity, the actual plot is a massive McGuffin runaround, doubtlessly mentioned by every other blog on this subject, all of whom managed to finish their entries on time (bloody squares).



In short then, From Russia with Love has a great blowjob joke and is mostly brilliant whilst I, dear reader, just plain suck.

9/10

NB: "Next" month will probably be a video, so less reading entirely.