It’s inevitable that something designed to test your skill is also going to try your patience. Great gamers remain calm under pressure to ride out the onslaught of challenge and succeed where lesser mortals’ temper has betrayed their ability. But what of those titles that reprimand you regardless of your expertise, where perseverance is endurance, and your soul devoured by the same repetitive spirit-crushing action again and again and again until you’ve exhausted every last known swearword in the universe?
These are those which have done just that to me.
Mirror’s Edge – Multi Format
Ironically, for a game based on “free” running, you are anything but. The levels fascistically funnel the player into one ludicrously rigid path from which you stray by one pixel at your own stupid peril. Bright open rooftop vistas belie your lack of choice as you hurtle through a hailstorm of bullets tearing your skin and hopes to shreds, desperately searching for an escape route.
All of which would be just about bearable were it not for the schizophrenically unreliable physics. Faith’s 1st person control is like performing gymkhana on the back of a pissed uncle at Christmas; at one moment the leaden feet of an ox, the next a twitching hypersensitive ragdoll with electrodes to the gonads.
Tiptoeing precariously across pipes requires the most dexterity – to successfully traverse them you’ll need the navigational skills of a micro surgeon. One imprecise movement, no matter how miniscule, and you’ll come crashing down faster than a concrete-clad Anne Widdecombe on a bungee rope. And the worst part of this? It’s completely arbitrary.
Following my sixtieth attempt or so I was ready to punch out my own eyeballs and set fire to my controller. As such, I finally concluded that I could nimble across scaffolding no more and consigned the game not only to the bin, but future therapy sessions.
GoldenEye 007 – N64
I’ve never enjoyed chaperone levels; guiding a semi-autonomous cretin through hazardous scenery whilst shielding them from harm feels less like a game and more like responsibility. And inevitably, your infuriatingly nonchalant ward will somehow have a knack for forgetting why they're there, and wander into danger like an insect towards light. This otherwise superfluous title contains said bothersome babysitting; cardigan-donning computer programmer and Bond bedpost notch Natalya became a walking bullet-sponge to hordes of poorly-accented heavies with artillery. Exasperatingly, if one of your shells accidentally flew her way, she’d sulk off and refuse to help. This would leave you amidst a shower of gunfire with no hope of advancing whilst constantly yelling the word, “bitch!”.
Harry Potter & the Philosopher’s Stone – PS1
“Eh? It’s a bloody kid’s game!” I hear you bellow through lungfuls of incredulous hot air.
Well, yes it is, which is why it’s all the more hateful. Don’t pity me. No, in fact do, because a soothing dose of sympathy would go down better than a pint of Butter Beer from the Three Broomsticks to accompany this title’s punishing peacock feathers collection stage. It’s a mistake made by many a developer who don’t think to impart some basic informative instruction to the player. I wasted hours firing magic sparks at the plucky fowl before finally working out that I was supposed to be treading on its tail. At that point however, I felt like going all Bernard Matthews on its ass. Angrier than Voldemort that time everyone forgot it was his birthday.
GTA: San Andreas – PS2 / Xbox
In many ways, this is a standard GTA mission; drive alongside a vehicle (in this case, a train) and maintain a sufficient distance so that your comrade can fire volleys of ammo’ into your enemies’ vitals. A standard mission which was inexplicably impossible. I reached a pad-smashing plateau of frustration to the point where I vowed never to go near this game again. Even now, I can recreate perfectly the sentence, “All we had to do was follow the damn train, CJ”.
Hard Drivin’ – Spectrum
How about “Fuckin’ Impossible Drivin’”? Set in the atmosphere vacuum of Planet Sinclair, this was spooky enough without the additional feeling that your car was possessed by the spirit of James Dean after a few sherries. Like steering a supermarket trolley through a river of effluence and only half as enjoyable as that sounds, the gruelling manoeuvres required to get the car through its fabled loop-the-loop section could have a monk snapping the joystick in two and calling the track a cunt.
They say that politics and religion are that which divides us as a race.
They lie.
It’s bloody Worms
Call of Duty: Black Ops
In the otherwise condescendingly simple world of Call of Duty (“shoot everything – you win”) the Vietnam
Right, enough fury. I’m going to have to de-stress with a quick go on breeze-‘em-up Flower.
Fucking petals, I’ll show them who’s the boss.
